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  • Writer's pictureAliya

Cringing My Way Through The Bachelor, Season 27

The Bachelor
So many women, so many...prom dresses?

It’s the beginning of 2023, which means it’s the perfect time to commit to doing something new with nothing but good intentions and cockeyed optimism. New Year’s Resolution: Watch the new season of The Bachelor in its entirety!

While catching up on one of my many go-to shows on Hulu, it did the thing where it starts auto-playing a random show without my consent. (There must be a setting somewhere that will let me turn this feature off.) This time, it was The Bachelor, and my face immediately went Chrissy Teigen.

A little context: I don’t do awkward; I physically can’t tolerate it. A comedian bombing in a quiet room? No. A man struggling to sing a romantic song acapella to a woman while making uninterrupted eye contact? Stop. A stilted one liner that fails to land with the person being hit on? Please don’t.

So, for just the awkwardness level alone, I have not been able to get through a single episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise. But life is about challenging yourself, right? Expanding your horizons; trying new things. Sure, some folks would use that inspiration to learn a new language or try a new sport. I’m using it to watch outdated, trashy reality tv. Who knows, maybe by the end of this I will be able to tolerate awkward romantic gestures without 😬.

OK, so episodes 1 and 2 have been consumed, and the fact that I was able to watch both while only shielding my eyes a couple of times is a triumph. This seasons Bachelor, Zachary, is an awkward guy, which works in his favor because he comes across as pretty endearing most of the time.

He meets all of the women for the first time as they trot across a driveway that for some reason has been hosed down (nothing to get the nerves going like wobbling on 6-inch heels across wet cement) and my goodness, the awkward levels were sky high. For some reason, Zach grabs all the women’s hands like two girlfriends greeting each other at the mall. Interesting technique.

There are some lush quotes from the guy, my favorite being “my worst fear is being in love with two people.” If that’s your worst fear, I regret to inform you that you picked the wrong show, buddy.

"So, where is everybody from?"

The women are all gorgeous, in some cases seemingly way of out of this guy’s league. But after meeting Zach on the soaking wet driveway for 10 seconds, they all gather in the living room of a random mansion in their adult prom dresses and gush about how amazing and wonderful he is. I’m just not buying it. I totally believe if Zach approached some of these women in a bar, most of them wouldn’t be half as impressed.

I finished episode 1 a little weary but determined to go through with episode 2. As I enjoyed my week-long reprieve from the show, I was not at all surprised to discover that one of the contestants had already been outed with racist tendencies. A long running tradition of the show that even a non-watcher like myself was aware of.

If episode 1’s theme was awkward meetings, episode 2 was awkward make outs. Zachary finally seemed to realize he had the ability to tongue down a bunch of hot women and decided to make the most of it. At one point, he literally interrupted a lady mid-sentence, mocking her attempt at conversation, and dove in for the kiss. She loved it, btw.

Latto was a pleasant, though random, surprise in episode 2. She attempted to drag some bad bitch energy out of the contestants. Visibly making Zachary uncomfortable with every “bitch” that flew out of her mouth. Hilarious.

Zach found out a rapper was going to be on the show, so he dusted off his leather jacket.

Three contestants from previous seasons returned to judge the bad bitch contest, and Tahzjuan – a gorgeous black women from season whatever – laid her eyes on Zach and decided she wanted a turn at the kissing booth. The girls were shook, but Zach eventually announced he had turned her down, leaving Tahzjuan to cry alone on an ugly couch. “Bad bitches aren’t supposed to cry,” she laments, while wiping away invisible tears. Again, hilarious. More storylines like this, please.

See you next week for episode 3!



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